Addictions
by lolly2222
Summary: Lisbon and Jane have sex and it leads to Lisbon having some revealations about her life. M for language and some sex.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors note: Ok so I started off with what I hoped was going to be a fluffy little one shot where Lisbon and Jane get it together. Instead I came out with an angsty multi chaptered story. Why it is that stories never do what you want? This was my first attempt at a sex scene and despite how effortlessly steamy other very talented writers on this board make it look, it was a tough one to write especially as this was in no way the story I started with**. **This was not beta'd so all mistakes are mine. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own it! Actually after travelling I don't own anything **

_The desire of love is to give. The desire of lust is to get._

_**Ed Cole **_

Their sex together was definitely was not loving. There was no emotion involved, none of their friendship seeped through. It was not caring and it was not comforting, what it was, was unfucking believable, bone melting orgasmic. Aggressive was not a word she would associate with Patrick Jane but he was.

It was like every move she made he matched, every push, he pushed back harder, it was the most exciting, invigorating and freeing sex she'd ever had. Like most, she rarely revealed her darker side in the bedroom but with Jane the darkness bred, fed and exploded.

It had started out simply enough after a long, traumatic, heart wrenching, gut churning and soul destroying case. Cases involving children always wrecked her and it affected Jane just as badly. They had sniped at each other throughout, their usual banter replaced by thinly veiled attacks.

Then in front of a higher up, Jane had belittled her and wreaked havoc with a well known Statesman. She was beyond furious so she had sought him out in that cold, dank attic of his. She rarely truly raised her voice but he had stood there smirking and challenging her authority. He had just kept pressing her buttons, so she had screamed and he had yelled and they verbally clawed each other to shreds.

She called him selfish, bitter and twisted. He mocked her inability to control her team and even her life. She had countered with his weakness and pathetic addiction to revenge, while he came at her with her aloofness and coldness.

Heavily panting, eyes wild, they stared each other down both ready for the next round. Lisbon was not willing to lose to him, not this time. She opened her mouth to chastise him for his childishness when her phone rang, glancing at the screen, she mentally calmed herself and turned to leave to take the call from Bertram.

She heard Jane cross the room; he grabbed her arm roughly and spun her around. Leaning in close he hissed that they weren't done yet. As she shook him off her anger returned so she made a big show of answering the call. He snatched the phone from her hand, flinging it against the wall.

"What the _HELL_ Jane are you insane?" screw verbal carnage, she was actually going to kill him.

"I told you I wasn't done" he seethed.

"And of course, as usual the little boy stamps his foot till he gets his way" she mocked.

He came at her again, invading her space trying to use his height to intimidate her. She could break him like a twig but the action pissed her off.

"Jane, back out of my space" she growled.

"Or what?" his eyes flashed at her.

"Get out of my face Jane" She stepped closer to undermine his tactics.

"Or what Teresa? What are you going to do?" He taunted her, his lip curling into a snarl.

She saw red, his use of her first name, his invading her space, all the crap she had put up with over the week. Whatever it was snapped and so did she, she lunged and he fell, so she attacked again. So help her, his shocked look only spurred her on.

His shock was quickly replaced by fire, his eyes darkened to navy and he flipped himself on top of her, using his weight to pin her to the floor. He tried to grab her arms but didn't get the drop on her for long as she worked her way out from under him, in effect switching their positions. Realising her training topped his strength and there was no way was he going to win in this position, he pushed her back and hopped up.

Lisbon stumbled slightly and Jane saw his chance to keep her off balance, he grabbed her hands and pushed her hard against the wall. She gasped as her body hit the cold wall only to be covered by Jane's again. She was aware of their heavy breathing and the warmth of their skins as they connected with each other. His entire length covered her small form, effectively immobilising her.

The cloud that had covered his brain retreated somewhat as he became hyper aware of two things at once; Lisbon's emerald eyes had turned jade, this combined with her messy hair made her look like a 50's sex siren. Secondly, her attempts at escape were essentially just her writhing beneath him and god help him he had never been so aroused in his life.

This dance had become dangerous, fevered and intoxicating and it needed to end now as his control was waning. Lisbon saw the desire and lust flood into Jane's eyes but was still surprised when he lunged for her lips. A squeak escaped her lips but all other sound was cut off as he crashed his lips on to hers.

He was forceful and strong, taking what he wanted, her lack of response seemed to be irrelevant. Blood was pounding through her ears, her anger had her nerves tingling and adrenaline had shut off her brain, so she acted without thinking and bit down.

He yelped and drew back. A satisfied smirk played across her swollen lips and all her remaining rationality departed. She thrust hard against him, her hips grinding against his; teasing his arousal. He grabbed Lisbon, lifting her to his makeshift bed. She was so frighteningly light, that for a minute his protective side slammed him back into reality.

"We shouldn't..." he was surprised by how harsh and raw he sounded.

"Shut up Jane" Lisbon dragged her fingers through his curls, yanking his face to hers; she bit his lips again only slightly less aggressively. He returned her kiss accepting the deal with the devil.

Her nimble fingers worked on his vest removing it deftly. His shirt was not as lucky as she pulled it apart; his buttons flying little tiny shrapnel, pinging around the room. She had moved onto his pants, using her feet to push them down all the way; her speed indicative of her need and he had to work quickly to catch up.

He pulled her shirt over her head taking a few seconds to take her in. The moonlight reflected off her alabaster skin so she looked like a beautiful ghostly apparition out of place in his filthy, bleak attic. He soaked in her toned body, her breasts and the delicate freckles on her porcelain skin; so unusual for California.

He didn't get to appreciate her for long, as Lisbon made her impatience known by dragging her nails down his back. He leaned in moving his mouth over her skin.

Licking, sucking, biting, he took pleasure in the markings he made on her skin, they were no doubt nothing compared to the damage she was doing to him. He always knew she was passionate but he was aware that this was extreme and both of them were near manic.

Lisbon's brain kept telling her to stop, she would regret this. Rationality that normally won out was crushed under the weight of her anger, her frustration and all the pain she felt in her daily life. Put simply; she was tired and needed to forget. She probably should have found someone more suitable, a one night stand, but the argument, the fight, it had all become too much for her. She needed this and more importantly so did Jane.

Her hands roamed over his skin, she could hear his breathing accelerate as she did so, so she explored more. She felt his soft hair under the pads of her fingertips, his muscles move as she ran her fingers over his body; stronger than she had expected.

She savoured the feeling of his mouth on her. He had focused on her breasts; pinching and nipping them between his teeth. She moaned deep in her throat grinding herself against his erection. She could feel him through her trousers and wanted more.

He finally moved one of his hands to her ass lifting her up, while his agile fingers worked her zipper. He delved into her underwear; his fingers sliding into her, moving rhythmically. She leaned against his neck, pushing against his hand. He made quick work of removing the remaining garments.

He paused at her entrance, his warmth moving against her, close but not close enough. Sensing his hesitation she mumbled she was on the pill. Needing no other encouragement; he thrust into her. He was rough; his hands grasped her hips, digging into her skin. He moved her up and down, setting his own rhythm.

Lisbon focused on the sensations, ignoring the doubt creeping in at the back of her mind. Now was not the time to question her actions and her reasoning behind them. Despite Jane's focus on his needs, her heightened emotional state and the aggressive foreplay resulted in her quickly going over the edge. Jane grunted in response following swiftly after.

In the interim as they regulated their breathing, reality crashed down on both of them. Jane moved first, separating from her at lightning speed. He looked aghast at their intertwined clothing. He grabbed what was his and pulled his clothes on. He turned to her his eyes cold, the warmth of his earlier lust replaced by a razor sharp glacial stare.

"This meant nothing, we are nothing, I...I love my wife... I just... I needed...comfort" his breath came out in gasps.

Despite being naked, cold and so unceremoniously cast aside, Lisbon could see the desperation in Jane, his broken air hung between them.

"Jane" her voice was soft and low, afraid she might startle him.

"I didn't expect anything, certainly not that and I don't require a relationship" She paused trying to convey the truth with her eyes.

"I just wanted to help you, no more".

He stared for a few seconds weighing her words.

"The only thing that will ever help me is Red John dead" He looked close to tears "I'm sorry Lisbon" he mumbled as exited, faster than she had ever seen him move.

Alone, she felt her guilt and sadness over Jane envelop her like a blanket. This was a huge mess but she was determined she would figure out how to fix this and him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors note: Thanks so much for everyone who reviewed, I didn't get to reply individually as I've been crazy busy at the moment. **

**So thanks too xanderseye, Kaoh, Bethany, SisterPants, JelloFanatic123, anon and TeresaLisbonCBI. Your encouragement means a lot.**

**I thought I'd have this up ages ago so sorry for the delay and hopefully the next chapter goes up faster! No beta, so the mistakes are all mine.**

**Disclaimer: As usual I still don't own the show or anything of value really. If I did own it there would be far more Jisbon moments this season or any for that matter. **

**XX Spoiler for season 3's finale XX**

"_LOVE? It's like a cigarette. You get addicted fast, but it slowly and painfully kills you from the inside out."  
>― Alli Ward<em>

Here she was again; shot by a perp on another one of Jane's crazy schemes and forced onto desk duty. Yet again, she had been left weak, vulnerable and generally less. Five hours of surgery, one week at the hospital, one at home and one week, so far, at her desk; all this meant that she was far from ok.

Her "best friend" and recent fuck buddy was back in his self imposed jail in the attic and she was not going back up there, no way, too risky. The chasm between them just kept growing. She reached to grab a stapler but was stopped by a sharp pain. Damn it, her side still throbbed fiercely, not that she would tell anyone. She had been seen as feeble enough for a lifetime.

Jesus, shot twice in as many months, if only hospitals did frequent flyer miles she'd take that trip to Hawaii she always wanted.

Her thoughts drifted back to Jane. Most days his closing their cases was enough. Most days their saving a life was enough, but not every day and definitely not today. Right now her side hurt like crap and she was tired, so very tired and he just kept pissing people off.

They say blood is your life force, shit, hadn't Bosco died from losing too much? She imagined herself a little less with every drop of blood that she had spilled and she had spilled a lot for him, not to mention the new demands on her body he had begun to ask for.

He came and went as he pleased. It left her feeling cold and hollow. God, but in the moment, for that brief time they joined together; they burned bright. The darkness in their lives couldn't touch them. He was like flames licking at her skin, warmth that engulfed her and it was like ecstasy. Recently it was the only time he ever relaxed.

She had never expected him to show up at her door after the Pearson's case; two weeks after their never discussed attic skirmish. Earlier that day, she had yelled at him, though this time in the safety of the bullpen. He was angry too, but uncharacteristically subdued, she had thought she had won one for a change. She kept thinking that until she had answered her door to him and he had slammed her up against the wall, pressing his need into her.

So now despite his initial fury and her misgivings, as soon as a case got hard or the anger got too much it would just explode and they would crash into each other; ocean meets land. Mind blowing exchanges but with no love, no feelings, just need; basic, distant and rough. His hands were experts on her needs, his mouth and devil tongue moved over her skin like oil; slick and smooth.

As soon as they finished, his walls rebuilt themselves and the shutters closed down over his eyes, his mask in place. The worst part was how he sometimes looked at her after, as if she should have stopped him, as if he almost hated her for what had happened, yet she never sought him out?

She knew she should stop it but she just couldn't seem to find the words to say it to him. He wouldn't even acknowledge that anything had ever happened between them. So here she sat in her own self inflicted alienation, hiding out in her office to avoid any form of conflict. Her damn doctors had said that even desk duty was against orders, but sitting at home constantly thinking was doing her no favours.

Not to mention the recent arrival of her newly separated brother, Jay, had made her disregard them for the sake of her sanity. Two brothers with failed marriages, it seemed like she managed to mess us being a substitute mother too.

She sighed heavily. He obviously had decided since his life was so messed up, he would instead focus on hers, just what she needed more stress.

Granted the constant 'Your sister's been shot' phone calls must be getting old. It was hypocritical of her judging his actions she mused, she was just as focused, more so actually, on Jane and saving his life. She had become so dedicated to his cause that she'd started having sex with him, undeniably above and beyond the call of duty.

No matter what she tried, how much effort she put into concentrating on other things, her mind always whirled back around to Jane. Why her, why now...when next? So much for always being there to save her, as usual she was the knight in shining armour. Actually screw the shining part; her scars, both inside and out, unquestionably had scuffed away any shine.

She tried not to but she just couldn't stop her anger; at the situation, at her own weakness, at their distance. All this was making her head and her side pound.

Lisbon pulled out her top drawer, grabbing her pain pills and antibiotics, shit, yet again she had forgotten to take them this morning or was it last night? She never was very good at taking pills, too busy looking after everything else, this was never truer than when on a tough case.

Their current case was the epitome of gruelling; a young girl, eight, found brutally murdered, raped, tortured and so soon after the last case. Each blink was a dead girl behind her eyelids, every dream echoed their screams. All this was wearing on her and she had become so used to Jane's ability to lighten her mood that she had forgotten just how dark her mind could get without him around.

The victim's soft, vibrant, red hair had reminded her of Grace. The young agent was still essentially AWOL, here in body but not in mind. Despite a mandated holiday to Iowa after killing Craig, she was still not fairing much better. She in some ways envied her ability to escape into the arms of her family for comfort. She couldn't do that, if she was seen as fallible who would her brothers turn to?

She glanced at the young agent through her blinds. The poor woman had the worst luck with men. Not that she fared much better mind, though as far as she knew...well she was pretty sure none of her exes would ever shoot her boss and several other people under the influence of a crazed serial killer.

A small smirk pushed her mouth up at the side at the thought of which boss she would have liked them to do it too, if they were so inclined. Her smile deepened, these pain pills sure did some strange things and led to the most random thoughts to flit across her mind.

Cho knocked lightly on the boss's door before entering. The gesture was a little mute as it was wide open but Lisbon looked miles away and for a change a little happy. He was glad to see the slight smile, lately she was pale and drawn and as usual focused on everyone but herself. He hated that he was about to crush one of the only peaceful moments she had of late.

"Hey boss, a lead came in on the case, a guy matching Johnston's description was seen near the house before the abduction."

"Ok take Rigsby and bring him in." Her eyes returned to the paperwork she had been ignoring earlier.

"Both Rigsby and Van Pelt are heading off to reinterview the sister, and before you ask, nope, no Jane either, his lair's empty." Cho looked sympathetically at Lisbon a missing Jane was never a good thing.

"He's hopefully gone for tea...if he's gone to the Sheriffs I'll kill him…crap, crap, crap ...well I guess I'm going with you." She pushed her chair back carefully.

"You sure, your doctor said..." Cho hated questioning his boss but she did not look up to fieldwork.

"I'm aware of what he said Cho" she snapped "but I'm fine and this needs to get done."

Cho nodded his agreement but Lisbon could see the doubt in his eyes.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

After several hours of fruitless searching, they had no Johnston and no new leads to go on. They had walked half the city, checking all of his haunts but with no sign of him. The two had reluctantly given up and headed home. Lisbon was feeling really tired so she uncharacteristically asked Cho to just drop her straight home.

She knew this further worried him but she just couldn't seem to care. She'd fix it tomorrow once she slept. He stopped outside her apartment with promises of collecting her in the morning, casting her sideways glances, analysing her movements.

She deliberately walked smoothly, head held high, towards the door. She turned and signalled goodbye with a cheery wave. Inside, with the door closed, she slumped into herself. She could have really used a break in the case; she needed to stop this guy before another girl died.

She was relieved to find Jay wasn't home, she checked around for any messages from him. A note stuck to the fridge said he had gone for dinner. She really was too tired to cook for herself, so she went up to bed, each step a mountain. Her bed beckoned; falling into its cushioning warmth, she ignored the slight whiff of aftershave that arose as landed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors notes: Thanks to everyone who reviewed I PM all those I could. This story went from one chapter to three to who knows. I'm hoping only one more. Hmm. Ah well I'm just following its lead now. **

**Also I did plan to have this up way earlier but my laptop died and took Word and my later drafts of several stories, this included, with it. This one was a nightmare as I've changed, rearranged, deleted trying to remember what I had previously written. **

**As usual I am my own beta so all the mistakes are mine, constructive criticism is always welcome.**

**Disclaimer: Not not mine!**

"_Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism."  
>― <span>C.G.<span>Jung_

Jay Lisbon had showed up soon after his sister's second shooting had gone down. His frail, injured sister had been splashed all over the media, after saving some big wig from his crazy wife. He had needed an escape and she needed someone who loved her nearby.

Things had crashed and burned in his life; his beautiful wife had left him taking his kids. His sweet babies wouldn't be there to greet him every morning, giggle over dinner, yell their good nights. He just couldn't stay in that house.

Sure he had his own reasons to be here but that wasn't it. No, his more pressing motive was something in his sister's eye during her television interviews. Whatever it was had struck a bum cord with him and he needed to figure out why.

Since he had been here to aid her 'recovery' he had awakened every night to her scanning over files; that Jane guys case, these murdered girls, double checking details, over and over, night after night. She never properly slept, never ate, it seemed that this quest was all that kept her going.

He had repeatedly begged her to stop and slow down. She would give in, eat a little, sleep even less and then she was back to it again, as soon as his back was turned. He hated a man he had never properly met and the power he had over his sister, his ability to cripple her with guilt, without even being there.

Tonight he woke up in a cold sweat, from a nightmare. He had realised just why he was so worried, just what had been at the lurking in the back of his mind, just out of reach. The blood had pounded through his ears, his hands shook, the sheets stuck to his clammy skin.

He needed air, movement, escape. He wandered downstairs grabbing the nearest bottle, tequila, great. Several shots later and he had finally calmed down some. He had to figure out a plan of action, a way to explain to his sister what she was doing to herself, a way to stop her. He breathed deeply trying to ready his mind for this inevitable argument between them. God help him two things Teresa Lisbon never liked to hear was no and she's wrong.

He knocked over his empty glass. Shit, he was more wasted than he had realised, course he never touched the stuff except for holidays and special occasions, clearly unlike his sister.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A noise awoke Lisbon, her instincts alert, her training kicking in, she crept down the stairs; gun in hand. Her wall clock showed it was half one. Her kitchen door was closed but the light from behind it glowed below the door. Her foot creaked on a final step. She froze and readied her stance.

"Tessie" Jay called lightly through the door "did I wake you?"

Relieved, she pushed through the door but it was short lived, in front of her, her brother sat glassy eyed and steaming. God no, not again, flashbacks to her adolescence, a larger man but the same eyes. Her mind was awash with questions. How long had this gone on? Every night? no she usually occupied the kitchen at this hour. Did he go out? drink in his room?

"Jay no" her voice cracked slightly, tears pinched at the corners of her eyes "You cant start this, I know you miss the kids, Elaine but..."

"Huh?" he looked around finally realising how this all looked.

"No Tessie, no its not how it looks, see I had a nightmare, well more a memory...and I_..._ I realised something. Shit... this isn't going right" his gestures of helplessness took her back to when he was five and had his bike stolen.

"Don't worry sweetheart" she soothed "we'll get through this, I'm here for you" she leaned across the table to squeeze his hand.

He pulled back sharply " No Tess, this is a one off, I'm not dad... I wouldn't do that to my girls" He focused on her face as best he could. "I'm here to help you".

"I don't need any help" she shook her head confused, but feeling a little better at his insistence, that and she could see just how little was gone from the Tequila bottle. He really was a light weight.

"You do" he practically yelled, calming himself he continued "this Jane guy, he's bad news, every night your focused on his case, on him."

"Me? I'm just trying to help a friend." Lisbon insisted.

"What about you what about helping yourself" he countered.

"I don't need help, the only thing I need is to go back to sleep and deal with my sober brother in the morning."

"You don't get it I see it in your eyes, that look, dads look."

Lisbon shook her head, she really had no clue what he was on about, though he probably didn't either.

"The look, the broken given up on life look, you know that one he would get as he looked through his pictures."

"Honestly I'm fine Jay, I just don't know where this is coming from" she sighed.

"No your not Tess, your clinging on to his case as if it can change his past. It didn't work for dad and it wont work for him" Lisbon recoiled as if she had been slapped but Jay ploughed on regardless.

"Its all here, the same obsessive behaviour, forgetting yourself, wallowing but you don't see it."

"Jay this is ridiculous I'm not..." he stopped her interruption continuing with forcefulness that was out of character for him.

"No, your hiding what your doing in the middle of the night, your sick, exhausted, under weight, yet still you focus on everyone else. You don't have to be the hero or save everyone." he paused the adrenaline clearing up the remaining alcohol haze. He looked her clear in the eye desperate to get his point across.

"I cant lose another person to a pointless obsession. Please...please don't make me. I lost my father, watched as he killed himself because of the past, drowning in denial and guilt , Don't make me lose the only mother I've ever known please." Jay's voice croaked out the last words, his pleas dying on his lips.

"It's not like that Jay, your misreading the situation, I'm not obsessed or addicted or whatever. Your just pissed off your life's gone to the crapper, so you wanna shit all over mine." Lisbon was not her father and she wont be compared to him, she didn't care how upset her little brother was.

"You think he cares, you think _he_ gives a shit about you? If he did he'd be the one making you eat, telling you to slow down, telling you you cant save everybody. Instead he shows up at your door at two in the morning for a booty call."

"What?" her eyes widened in alarm.

"Oh yeh, my second night here he comes a knocking. Nice, so you let this guy use your mind and your body." His lip curled in disgust. "When are you gonna stop being a martyr to every cause. I swear you wont be happy till you've saved every person in the world, actually you'd probably just start on animals. Your not responsible for every victim, every injustice, you cant make it right" he finished.

Lisbon was seething, how dare he come into her house and judge her life.

"I'm not doing that _Jay_, I'm doing my God damn job, I help catch killers, I put bad guys away."

"What you do is not your job Tessie, you used to put in a good days work but still have a life at the end of it. When did it become all about everyone else? When did you stop caring about yourself?"

"Jay, its been a bad year but that's not how it is, I'm just trying to prevent Jane from imploding and stop a child killer, everything will be good after that" she soothed.

"You really believe that? that the next case wont be as important, that this Jane wont still be as crazy?" he watched his sister for her tells.

"Yes" Her face held strong but her eyes betrayed her. He knew she couldn't lie for shit, not to those that know her.

"For Fucks sake Teresa, saving Jane wont change your past."

"What the hell does that even mean?" she shouted, the last of her patience evaporating.

"It means saving one broken man from the pain of his wife's death doesn't change that you couldn't save dad from his" He took in a shuddered breath before he proceeded "... not that you ever had to do that either." he added softly.

He stood up and looked out the window, unable to meet her eyes. She could still see the despair in his reflection as he continued. "Please I am literally begging you to please let this go, he's just like dad, incapable of saving, no matter how hard you try."

"He is not like dad Jay, he lost his wife and child to a crazed murderer." Lisbon sat down heavily it was too late for these kind of talks but she hated seeing her little brother so upset, no matter how off base his thoughts were.

"That's bullshit, people deal with loss everyday, they don't fall into their own personal deep abyss. So exactly why is it they think their pain is more huh? Cos they want it to be, he's selfish and cruel and I hate him."

She watched as Jay gripped the counter top steeling himself for his next words, gulping down air, his knuckles turning white.

"You saved us kids, why wasn't that ever enough for you? Its like you've always judged yourself against that one failure, but you didn't fail, you made it out alive and saved us. You couldn't have saved him, no one could have." Jay swiped at the moisture collecting in his eyes.

"Jane is different, you don't know him." Lisbon insisted hoping to get Jay to realise his error.

"Do you know him? Seems like he lets you see what you need to see so he can make you do anything he likes." He finally turned to look at her.

"I remember how it was Tess, Dad sunk lower and lower but you always cleaned up his mess, covered for him, tried and tried regardless of how much he hurt you."

"I was a kid then, it was my father, I had too, to keep us all together" the pain of the memories tightened her throat.

"And now? I mean I'm not stupid we all went into jobs that help people cos we felt helpless then, but you, you seem so driven, that any failure is your fault. That's not how life works, superheroes don't exist and your not invincible."

"I don't think that, why now, where is this coming from?" Lisbon was so exasperated with him, she didn't like to talk about her past at the best of times, but with her inebriated brother it was just too much.

"Eight years ago you did this job but it hadn't consumed you. Bur now, its like this Jane, he saw your pain, your willingness to help and protect and then figures if he exploits your issues enough it'll help him get what he wants."

Lisbon stood up. "Jay, your drunk, confused and mistaken. Your projecting all this crap onto me but your wrong. You make me sound like some withered weak woman, easily bent to someone else's will." her tone was harsh with her barely contained anger.

"I don't think your weak, I think that you need to be needed, need to fix people and that if you can help someone and take their pain then you will. These are great traits Tessie but not when they leave you alone, in danger or being used." He continued softly aware she was about to bolt or hit him.

"I've had enough, I've heard you out. I get it, I'm a lonely spinster who is a puppet to her consultant and gets off on stopping others pain, all because my Daddy didn't love me. Ill be sure to keep all this in mind when I talk to the parents of a murdered child tomorrow." She purposely mentioned the dead child, a fear all parents have. She should feel bad for the low blow but he had started it.

"I'm not attacking you Tessie, I love you, but you gotta stop, not just with Jane, with all of this, this crazy need to help people to the point of destroying yourself. Look its been a long night and as you said you got work in the morning. Tessie..."

He paused waiting until she met his eyes. " I meant what I said, I love you." He walked past leaning into kiss Lisbon on the head.

"I love you too Jay, but in the morning you'll see how silly all this was." she mused trying to remove the dark air that hung in her kitchen.

"No I wont, Tess, just think about it." he whispered into her hair.

He left closing the door softly behind him. Lisbon's mind whirled with her brothers pleas. She grabbed some water and sat down again. She may as well consider his words before bothering returning to bed, she doubted she would be doing anything but thinking anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors note: Thanks for reading only one more after this. I'm my own beta, the mistakes are all mine, though I don't have M Word any more so here may be a lot! but constructive criticisms are always welcome.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own mistakes_._**

_**XXXXXXX SPOILERS FOR 4X07 XXXXX**_

**The dark Jane of Blinking Red Light worked for me, so I adapted his behaviour in the episode to my story. Please do not read if you have not seen it! **

**Though what I've written of the next Ch. so far, you can prob read the next chapter not having missed much plot. Ill say if it changes.**

_I wish he meant it when he kissed me cause then I could look back and see someone who loved me but I can only go back and see someone who used me._

_Anon_

She shouldn't be here, standing in a cul de sac outside a pretty two storey, helping the team catch Johnston. Her mind was not where it should be, instead it was where it had been since Panzer had been murdered. She should have stayed at the office, done paperwork, focused on anything else so she could push away the dark thoughts that had overtaken her mind.

She had plenty of reasons to be elsewhere, she had been meaning to go back to the doctor about her side, maybe take a vacation, spend time with her brother while he was here.

Jane said he would catch Johnston, after that she would go, well maybe after the paperwork was done. He would end this case once and for all and that had to mean something, right?

The trail had gone cold for a while with Johnston, and then yet another case involving young girls had been dropped on the CBI's lap. Sure all the previous cases had had struck a cord with Jane, left them both emotionally drained, but James Panzer and the SJ killer case had led to Jane crossing a line to a place that was perhaps beyond help.

Yes the murdered girl was older but Jane saw a father in despair and that was all it took. This case was his case, a broken man, a young daughter and a serial killer. It started slowly, so much so that she had not seen it at first, his transformation; that black pit inside the man she cared for that kept pulling him down, deeper and deeper. The darkness had spread within him twisting him into something acheronian and cruel.

She thought back to the many horror films she had watched on late night TV. She liked them all once but now she could only enjoy ones where the evil came from a supernatural source. Something less tangible, not reasonable but with a deeper meaning. Something spiritually nefarious rather than people who just liked to hurt people.

Lisbon caressed her cross, her link to the greatest force of good she had ever know. It was nicer to believe that if there was something controlling the bad from below, there therefore must be an equal force of good protecting from above.

Her mind wandered to those films where the hero or heroine would approach a loved one that was facing away from them and the person would turn, their face a distortion of human and demon, trying to escape their earthly vessel, too malevolent to maintain their disguise.

As her time as a cop had passed, Lisbon had realised that true evil does not leap out and reveal itself. Neither it is so obvious to the eye, instead it trickles out in actions, in who we are, and who we let ourselves become. Compromise after compromise and eventually there is nothing left.

Jane would put an evil man behind bars, she knew this. A bad man would be gone, girls would be saved but at what cost to him, to her? Lisbon stood outside Johnston's back door, at the location of another suburban nightmare.

She watched for movement in the two storey house. She looked past its perfectly manicured lawns, the white picket fence and its welcoming butter cream walls, she saw right through to the perversions hidden within. The house was much like Jane, she mused, a beautiful facade hiding a surprisingly dark cruelty just below the surface.

She had believed Jane's mask, seen his angel face, cherub curls and enchanting smile, but failed to see his black hellion heart. Lately things were changing, she regarded him differently ever since that night in her kitchen. She had been plagued by her brothers words in every moment since their confrontation.

Jay just looked at her now with a look, she hated that expression, resignation, sadness, combined with slowly diminishing hope. Oh how she knew that look, she used to see it in the mirror after dealing with her father on one of his benders.

She had thought Jane could be saved, that he was a good person but she was quickly realising that she was pining her hopes onto a man that neither wanted nor deserved them. When he had told her Red John was alive she hadn't believed him, she had thought he was taking him time to adjust.

Lisbon had held steadfast to the hope that despite how broken this man was, his messed up step towards intimacy, was a chance that he was working towards getting back into society. Perhaps his newly discovered need for comfort was the start of a reintegration to real life, born from his inability to focus himself on Red John. Turns out all it was, was just the need for a good fuck. She had always given people too much credit.

Reality had slapped her to her senses a few nights ago. When he arrived at James Panzer's murder scene something had felt off with Jane's behaviour.

Initially she had been relieved when she got the call, Panzer could not hurt any teenage girls any more but on seeing the smiley face she had truly been in a daze. She had dreaded telling Jane.

She had braced herself for his emotional devastation at this new development. She was better at reading him these days but all she had seen was his feigned surprise at the murder victim, his pretend shocked reaction at the smiley face and the barely concealed smug expression.

Considering this murder was the reappearance of his mortal enemy, Jane had seemed neither astonished nor inconsolable, instead it seemed more like he had taken pleasure in Panzer's fate.

Her stomach had knotted, her brain screaming denials but she knew then what he had done. Lisbon dreaded going home to watch the interview she had been told he had done. As the moments ticked by on screen, second by second she saw his plan unfurling, the spider catching his fly. She hoped and prayed she was wrong, but he played Panzer, goading him into action.

Patrick Jane the smartest man in the room, the king manipulator bows to no man, she knew how his mind worked. The FBI wasn't going to trump him in his game, he had failed once on this case but he was not going to be beaten.

The new head of the CBI wouldn't tell him what he couldn't do and some little pervert, second rate serial killer was not going to trump him and God help her she had aided his every move.

Lisbon had told herself as the interview went on that perhaps he was doing it for the victims, that maybe he was motivated by good intentions. Her last vestibule of hope disappeared when he looked towards the camera, at her, at millions of viewers but connected solely with one man, Red John, and as clearly as if he had actually spoke dropped the gauntlet.

He eyed the lens, communicating that he knew he was alive, letting the serial killer know that there was no point pretending, challenging him to kill the weasel next to him. Lisbon didn't know as much as Jane, but she certainly knew asking the man that killed your family to do your dirty work was more twisted than any mind should be able to conceive.

Due process; the local P D's and the FBI, they would have followed the leads, they were smart, organised and meticulous, they would no doubt have solved the case. She truly believe that the serious crimes unit was not the only agency in the world capable of stopping him.

It was not about the victims to Jane, it was about winning and revenge at any cost and to any one. The longer they worked together, the less she was seeing the division between acceptable behaviour and vigilantism also. Catching bad guys was not enough, she knew that now, it had to be done properly.

She had once thought that when Jane touched her that his fingers gave her warmth, she had not realised that they were not flames of passion but the fires of hell, burning into her, blackening her soul.

She had to turn her mind back to the task at hand. The team had crept to their positions, she could see the black shadows approach the house. She had opted to remain as back up, Cho had again thrown her a worried glance, barely discernible on his face, his expression had only slightly contorted. She had seen it though and so the team must have too. She would have to speak to him about undermining her.

Despite his misgivings, it was merely precautionary, her side was still delicate, a little red, nothing to worry about and they should be happy she was taking care of herself. Her gun raised, Lisbon trained her aim towards the back exit. The calm of the afternoon was soon destroyed by raised calls of CBI and stop.

She heard a heavy thud to her left and saw a movement in her periphery vision. The bastard had dropped from the upstairs window into a bush. She spun as he lifted himself from the ground.

"Freeze, CBI" she yelled.

"SHIT" Johnston was pissed that he hadn't seen her "Sorry pretty lady, I aint going to jail."

"Don't move... I'll shoot" Lisbon knew a runner when she saw one.

Johnston threw the bag in his hand a her, momentarily distracting her and bolted. She called to the others that he was running and took off after him. They pounded the pavement, shoes slapping on warm asphalt, Lisbon felt the heat of the sun burning her skin, she felt on fire.

Lisbon quickly gained on him catapulting her body into his dragging him to the ground. As her side collided with his, she had felt her body scream in protest, a sudden burning heat and pain engulfed her and right before she passed out she tried to figure out what the hell had just happened.


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors note: Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. It was a tough one to write and darker than I expected. I hope you enjoyed it and hopefully my next story will be fluffier.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it but the mistakes are mine. I was incredibly tired writing this so there may be a lot. **

**Slight season 4 spoilers**

"We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking."  
>― <span>Santosh<span>Kalwar,

Lisbon woke up to the sound of incessant beeping. Her mind was foggy with tiredness and the all too familiar drugs. The white room smelled of too many flowers, the overpowering stench stuck to her nose and tickled the back of her throat. Lisbon's drug haze started to lift but she tried to hold onto its warm embrace for as long as she could.

Finally unable to put it off, she looked around at her surroundings. Wide eyed, she surveyed yet another hospital room. She understood the smell now, the room was covered in pictures, cards and large bouquets of flowers. It looked like a shrine to the dead, though judging by the empty bed across from her perhaps it was. Lisbon suppressed a shudder at the thought.

A doctor stood just outside her door reading a file. How had she come to be here? What the hell happened to her? and more importantly did they get Johnston or did she royally fuck up?

The doctor finally looked up and saw her watching him. He gave her a one moment sign before scribbling something down. Well at least she would get the answer to her first two questions.

Lisbon sized him up as he walked in. He was tall, good looking and self assured, her type normally but she just couldn't generate the energy to care.

"Hello, Miss Lisbon how are you? I'm Dr. Connelly." he smiled reassuringly at her before glancing at her chart.

"It's Agent and I'm feeling sore and well ...confused. What the hell happened?" her voice lacked any strength and cracked slightly. The doctor passed her some water and she drank it greedily.

"How was I shot?" she continued her voice more assured.

"Shot?" he looked perplexed, "you weren't shot."

"Really? it feels like the last couple times" she smirked "so then if I wasn't shot why am I here?" she asked bewildered.

"You had a bad infection Agent, a pustule sack had formed behind your wound scar from not being cleaned properly, that combined with your failure to take your prescribed medication" he shot her a judgemental look. Hmm she liked it, she would have to master that one herself.

"Ok, so why am I here if it was just an infection", she had far better things to be doing than lying around, no matter how good the view was.

The doctor looked exasperated. "Miss Lisbon, it was not _just_ an infection, when you hit your side the sack ruptured infecting your blood. Septicaemia can kill quickly, had the the sac burst and not ruptured you could be dead. Had it gone on _ignored_ and untreated, you could have died" He met her gaze to emphasise his words.

Lisbon dropped her eyes unable to meet his. "I didn't realise..."

"I'm not sure I believe that" he continued " Your scar and the area around it was red and raised, the wound was leaking slightly and your meds were only half taken but the pain pills were all gone" he finished.

"I'm just busy, I figured it would heal eventually" she justified, her face betraying her embarrassment.

"In cases like this agent with repeat hospital visits, being neglectful of basic personal care and recurrently placing yourself in harms way, well it looks suspicious. I'm afraid we have an obligation to inform our psych department." It was his turn to look abashed at her outraged look.

"_What?_ You are not serious?" Lisbon couldn't believe this, maybe Jane was setting her up.

"I'm afraid I am, Miss Lisbon"

"I am not crazy and you cant make me" she was fully enraged now, her and shrinks did not mix.

"I can and I am. I have someone coming down, she specialises in these issues and has a long standing relationship with the police department. It is hospital policy." He regarded her in the same manner in which Cho looked at an uncooperative suspect.

"This is a joke right, your kidding" Lisbon's voice had gotten small. What the hell was going on, it was like she had woken up in an alternative universe.

A tall woman arrived at the door, knocking softly to catch her doctors attention. The doctor introduced the psychiatrist as Mrs Lyndon before leaving as quickly as he could. Lisbon watched him go, he had clearly seen how cops react to these things and was getting the hell outta dodge.

Lisbon turned to the woman, practising the doctors earlier look and throwing in extra contempt for good measure, before moving her head to stare out the window. From what she had seen of the psychiatrist, she was a pretty brunette in her early 40's, with a nice, calm, demeanour. Lisbon automatically wanted to hit her.

She began by asking Lisbon inane questions, while Lisbon in return mumbled her answers. Lisbon knew it was childish but it gave her some satisfaction.

"Miss Lisbon, please this is going no where" Mrs Lyndon finally sighed.

"Agent" Lisbon replied sharply.

"Is that how you define yourself? as an agent and not a person?" Lyndon seemed pleased to get an actual reply.

Lisbon finally looked at the woman long enough to give her a disdainful stare, "I am both."

"Ok, well there is some concern _Agent_ Lisbon, that you may be suicidal, or at least want to hurt yourself, how do you feel about these concerns?" her voice soften as if to lighten the blow while her hand lightly brushed Lisbon's.

Lisbon snapped her hand back from Lyndon's reach. "I feel these concerns are bull shit and this chat is ludicrous."

Mrs Lyndon was quickly losing patience.

"Really agent ludicrous is it? Your child hood history, job stress, the isolated life you lead with no immediate ties to family, the community and no social life whatsoever outside your job is a red flag for depression and poor self image. Add to these, three hospital visits for serious injuries, one due to a blatant disregard for your health, well all this adds up too very concerning behaviour. While I doubt you will see a professional, I feel it will help."

Lyndon handed Lisbon a pamphlet before continuing "while I unfortunately cannot force you to seek help based solely on my impressions, I have put a note in your file, flagging your case and my recommendations should another suspicious incident occur. If it does we will enforce measures..." she warned.

Lisbon wished the woman's head would explode, clearly she was crazy, physician heal thy self and all that she thought.

"Regardless of whether you can keep yourself out of danger or not Agent Lisbon, I do feel that talking to someone would benefit you greatly, you are not alone in this world." She squeezed Lisbon's blanket covered leg before exiting.

Lisbon slumped against her pillow, realising a heavy breath. Jesus this whole situation was messed up. Lisbon reverie was quickly interrupted as Jay stormed into the room.

"Is this what you want Tessie?" he spit out.

"What are you talking about Jay?" She was really feeling her meds and her tiredness had returned.

"To die?" his voice cracked on the small word.

"_WHAT_?" what the hell had that bitch doctor said to him.

"Your behaviour, the questions she asked, it seems like your trying to kill yourself without having to be the one to pull the trigger." Jay looked so tired and desperate.

"That's bull shit Jay and you know it, I didn't think it was a big deal, just a little infection." Ok she probably should have taken better care of the wound, but it wasn't like she wanted to end up here again.

"Yeah so you say Tessie, but it's one thing after another, God just how many hospital visits in a three month period are you going to think is too many?" Jay repeatedly ran his fingers through his hair. She wanted to pull him to her and hug his hurt away.

"I know its a lot Jay but I swear to you, I'm not trying to hurt myself, the doctor just doesn't realise how time consuming the job is and it was just really shitty luck to get shot twice." She hoped her tone was soothing, the wrong note or inflection and he'd blow like he did when they were kids.

He sat down heavily beside her, leaning in eye to eye "Promise me, cos after Dad..."

A tear slid down his face while her hand crept up to caress his cheek. Green met green, and Lisbon poured everything into her eyes. "I promise."

Jay let out a ragged breath, knowing she would not abuse the honesty between them but still desperate to get to his sister, "It feels like, what I'm trying to say is... you seem to live your whole life as a punishment, you know like a penance for sins you've committed or something."

"That's crazy." Lisbon assured him.

"You seem to have cut yourself off from the best things in life, love, family, friends" he pulled at a thread on her blanket. He was gonna kill the other two for leaving all this to him.

"Jay I like my life, do you feel I failed just cos I didn't marry? Have kids?" his words cut her, she was the strong one, not the one to be pitied.

"No, but you always wanted them and a husband, and I thought you _loved_ this job?" if he thought she was truly happy it might be a different story but she had lost her sparkle and he felt he had to get her to her to think about her life and the choices she had made.

"I do love this job." she replied her voice lacking any conviction, Jesus she really was not up to quibbling semantics.

"Then why don't you want it for Annie? Tommy told me you warned her off." Jay knew using Annie was below the belt but he needed the big guns to win this fight.

He continued after receiving no response "Is this another weird life penalisation, I know your good at this job, great even, but if its no longer making you happy why stay? It's all you do all day all night. You know when you rang me awaiting that committee's decision, you thought you had lost your job and you seemed free almost."

"Jay, I get where you're coming from but..." Lisbon was so tired of arguing.

"No, listen Tess, this job, the hours, the cases, its like you've wrapped yourself in darkness and pain. Why? When is it enough? does almost dying for the third time in a year not say something?" he questioned.

Lisbon wanted to defend herself, her actions, her life but she just couldn't seem to find the words.

Jay saw that he was finally getting through to her.

"Please I'm begging you leave here and come back to your family? I cant watch you slowly waste away like dad did, only his punishment was alcohol but with you its anguish and suffering." Jay leaned in and hugged her tightly, squeezing desperately.

Lisbon tried to hide the pain in her side at the contact. Her arms snaked around him and she relaxed into the embrace. It had a been a long time since someone had really hugged her, God that sounded pathetic, who can't remember their last real hug.

Jays stomach rumbled breaking the silence and the moment. Both siblings laughed at the interruption.

"I'm going to the canteen, you want anything?" Jay asked still smiling.

"Coffee?" Lisbon replied hopefully.

"Decaf" Jay answered sternly.

"Fine" Lisbon huffed, watching her brother practically bounce out of the room at their return to normalcy.

How had she gotten so screwed up. She thought about Annie and her insistence at finding another path. Fifteen years ago she loved this job, but fifteen years ago she had friends and a life. When had she let it slip away.

Teresa sat for a while thinking about her brother, her recent actions, her choices. She couldn't remember the last time she was happy. The last time she did something for herself. Was her brother right?

Jane entered so quietly it took her a few moments to feel his presence. She looked up to see him watching her. She hated that he had seen her so deep in thought, secretly she believed he might be slightly psychic. Nobody's guesses were that good.

"How you doing?" Jane asked almost shyly.

"Fine, what happened with the case?" she answered sharply, she hadn't forgotten about his recent behaviour.

"He confessed if it helps any" His eyes fluttered around the room taking in all the details.

"It does thanks" she watched him looking everywhere but at her. They stayed in silence, no words capable of saying what needed to heal their rift. Jane suddenly moved to go but stopped at the door and turned back.

"I'm sorry Lisbon...Teresa. I never meant for any of this." his voice was void of his usual confidence. "When you come back, no more house calls I promise, hey ill even behave for a few weeks, make sure you are a hundred percent before I start drowning you in paperwork" He smiled at her though it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Jane?"

"Yeah, Lisbon."

"If you catch Red John..." she questioned but Jane interrupted her.

"When Lisbon, when I do" he added, conviction peppering his tone.

"Okay when...and if you survive, do you think it will it be enough?" she regarded him intently, her eyes searching his face for any deception, tells and his emotions. He contemplated her question for a moment, she had always appreciated that he never dismissed her and always put thought into his answers. After what had happened recently she couldn't help but think perhaps he was just formulating his lies and half truths.

"No. Ill get my justice but what I did...they died because of me...I have to atone...plus who will help you punish the unjust if I go, think of all the perp's that would get away with their crimes with out me... Why do you ask?" he enquired, his curiosity peaked.

"No real reason, just thinking about life" Lisbon knew he wouldn't be satisfied by her vagueness.

Misreading her concerns, he tried to sooth her "Don't worry Lisbon, you'll be back on you feet soon enough, I know you hate being away from work so I'll even have Rigsby sneak you some files to occupy yourself." he smiled.

Lisbon frowned at his words. She thought back to their first time together in the attic, Jane had called her cold, aloof, said she had no life and she could see it now on his face that he truly believed it. That's why he had connected with her, he saw her as his equal in the fucked up department, two people on a downward spiral because of their pasts.

"Thanks for visiting Jane" she answered coolly, "Ill see you around."

Jane watched her for a second, studying her expressions, concerned by her sudden mood swing. He was about to question her further but was interrupted by Jay's return. Her younger brothers body language was as clear as day and it screamed piss off, Jane for once didn't push it and left.

Jay placed her cup by her and then sat in the rooms only plastic chair. Lisbon stayed with her thoughts for a while, going over everything in her head. She thought over her brothers accusations, his comparisons. Was she like her father? dependant on something? using it to feel better until it used her up? She wanted to save Jane but what if it was her in need of saving.

"Jay" her voice broke through the silence.

Her brother glanced up at her "Hmmm?"

"I'm going to come with you, not for ever mind, on a sabbatical" She watched as his face warmed, a grin spread knocking years from his face.

"Really? That's great but what...what changed your mind?" he was practically jumping gleefully towards her. She shrugged as best she could with the bandages.

"I'm not suicidal but the fact anyone thinks I could be is insane! I love this job I do, but maybe its not enough, I want Annie to have better, so why not me? I help people and I help people but its never enough for me to fill the darkness and I don't think it ever will never be either." She looked towards the window at the clear blue sky. Jay grabbed her hand pulling her back to the room and him.

"Some time off is good, there is a place near me in Chicago, near the kids... Elaine's cousins a real good shrink. I know you don't think you need to, but shit ill go too if it makes you feel better bout it. I'll do anything and the other two well they will want you close too." Jay grinned up into her face a real, genuine, honest smile.

Lisbon looked at her brother, her hand stroking his face. She traced the stress lines that had appeared on his face, took in the dark circles under his eyes. She had caused this, his marriage had broken down and she was what drove him to the edge. For once in her life since she entered the academy she realised she had no idea what was going to happen.

Too much had occurred for her to ignore the cracks in her life any more and time was not on her side. She didn't want to realise in fifteen more years that she had missed out on the life she really wanted or worse continue distractedly through life until a bullet finally hits its target. She could have died, from an infection, one she was aware of and still ignored, she got it it was healthy.

Jay chatted away animatedly about life in Chicago, it seemed fitting to return to the place that had sent her down this path in the first place, to confront her demons where they first took possession. Who knows with out her around Jane might finally have to face his own too, either way she was take it one day at a time and focus on herself for once.


End file.
